//Our shitshow begins in Valhalla, the bar thats also a fight club in the depths of purgatory. The threesome of friends all sit at their usual spot, the table closet to the wall but farthest to the right, because when a pissed off demon starts shit with an unknown monster with a bad temper, they all agreed that it's best to pick a fight with the wall to get knocked out the fastest and sleep through it. They all had their beverage of choice, for the Reaper, six bottles of beer, for the Werewolf, vodka, and for the headless guy with a heart of gold, club soda, because every group needed that one sober friend to clean up the shit and vomit.//
Hank: So let me get this straight, you, Wendel "The Womanizer" Wolfhart, managed to not only get several dates with, but seal the deal with [[Dracula's eldest daughter]]?
Wendel: Damn Right.
Hank: Well I'll be dammned... you actually did it, you crazy son of bitch!
Grim: What happend?
Wendel:You heard right Grim! Ya boy got the baddest bitch in the buisness, the dashing dansel of the dead, the vile vixen of the vampires to be his lady friend, dude!
Grim: And you expect me to drink to something that will probably only last
three months at most, and a one-night stand at least because.....?
Wendel: Oh, fuck off! Don't hate on me because I came, saw, and conquered, pun fucking intended and I don't regret shit!
Grim: Trust me, you're gonna. Make another god awful pun like that again and your ass is going straight to the 9th circle.
Wendel: Pfft, no you wouldn't,
Grim: I'm the Grim fucking Reaper, I've got the balls and the scythe to do that shit. try me, bitch.
Hank: Come on Grim, you've gotta hand it to him. This is a milestone for someone like him. This could truly be the start of something, special for our friend here, and if it turns out to be the greatest union between a man and a woman, then I'm all here for it.
Wendel: That's righ- wait, whaddya mean "someone like me?"
Hank: Yeeeeeaaah, let's just say you don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships with women,
Grim: Translation: your game is non-existent, and when it comes actually keeping a girl you don't have shit.
Wendel: What are you guys on? I'm GREAT with women!
Grim: Uh-huh.
Hank: Sure you are buddy.
//Both take long sips of their beverage//
Grim: So, this lady friend of yours have a name?
Wendel: Drakelle
Grim: Look at that Hank, he actually made the effort to remember her name! This IS a milestone, might not be a one-night stand after all.
Hank: So what's she like?
Wendel: Oh man, she's got the biggest-
Grim: Her personality Wendel, no one asked how big her ass was and shit.
Wendel: I was gonna say heart, but if you want the details spared on how bangin' that body was it's your loss dude. Anyways, Drakelle is the sweetest girl you will ever meet, she's very chill, easy going, loves poetry and deep coversations and she's just so wonderful, it's amazing.
Hank: Awww, that's awesome dude! I'm happy for you, really.
Wendel: Haha, yeah thanks man, yeah everythings awesome right now, only problem is I feel like I'm gonna fuck up a really good thing. I really don't wanna lose what we have any [[advice]]? I wanna be a better person for her y'know? Hank: Wendel, if you really love her then you shouldn't worry about losing her, Cherish every day, every moment, you have with her. Give her both the best and worst version of yourself, and if you two are serious about each other she'll love you regardless and the two of you will grow as a result. live and love in the moment my friend, live and love in the moment.
Grim: Yeah no, fuck that shit. Do whatever the fuck you guys want inside whatever weird ass bounderies you guys have, just don't get too attacthed to her. The less attached you are, the less of a sting the whole heartbreak procees and breakup is going to be.
Hank: DUDE!!!
Wendel: Seriously?!
Grim: Yeah, Seriously. Think about it this way, Say you do give the best version of yourself or whatever headless cupid was saying, what're you gonna do when she sees a guy that's better than the best version of you? She'll stop giving a shit about your best version and go love the best version of that other guy. Love is a virus, everyone gets the side effects, nobody want's the cure. So love at a distance.
Wendel: Whatever, King-of-the-emo's, let's leave the good vibes to [[Hank]] and when we wallow in self pity and wanna drink the day away we'll call you.
Hank: Hang on Wendel,if I didn't know any better I'd say Grim here is speaking from experience.
Grim: ...
Wendel: Holy shit, are you?
Grim: ...of course not! Why would I stoop so low to depend on someone for love and affection? I'm the literal personification of death!!!
Wendel: HOLY SHIT! YOU ARE!!!! OHHHHHHHH SHIT!!! THE GRIM REAPER FELL IN LOOOOOOVE!! I KNEWN IT! Under the cold and edgy fascade there's a fuckboy trying to break free!
Grim: Shut. The fuck. Up.
Hank: Who was she??? What was she??? Do you guys still talk?? WE WANT A NAMES !!!
Grim: Can we go back to the subject of [[Dracula's eldest daughter]]? Besides it was a
Wendel and Hank: SPILL!!!
Grim: NO! Screw you guys! No deep dark secrets from death today! Wendel: Well I think Hank is right, I know heartbreak will come, but I'm not gonna waste my energy on something so negative. This is something new and something great for me and I'm gonna see it through, I'm gonna live and love in the moment!
Grim: It's sounds even more stupid when you say it,
Hank: Why can't you just be happy for him?
Grim: Are you seriously asking me that question? Hank, I'm the "Grim" Reaper, Being happy quite literaly isn't in my job discription.
Wendel: Yeah, well being a fucking asshole isn't in your job description either,
Grim: It kind of is though.
Wendel://slams both fist on the table// WELL FUCK YOU THEN! DO YOU GET OFF ON TREATING PEOPLE LIKE SHIT?! I know I'm not the best at treating women with respect and decency and I hate myself for it! But the one time I manage to get it right,you don't even bother to show some GODDAMN SUPPORT!!!
Hank: Wendel-
Wendel: NO! SCREW THIS! I'M OUT! //stands up// I'm headed to Drac's Caslte to hang with Drakelle, because apparently a one-night-stand cares more for me than the friend I've known for years! //Wendel storms out of the bar and leaves.//
// An intesne silence falls over the bar.//
Grim: Knew It was a one night stand.
Hank: The lengths you go to try and sabatoge your own relationships...
Grim: How is it fault he got in his feelings and stormed out like a little bi-//Grim's sentence is cut short when Hank give him a right hook across the jaw //
Grim: GAH! SHIT! THE FUCK HANK?!
Hank: Go apologize to him right. now.
Grim: What's your deal?! He just went to blow off some steam!
Hank: He came to us for advice dude! He came to us wanting to change for the better for someone he cared about and you threw that in his face!
Grim: Because it was bullshit!
Hank: You wanna lose a friendship over something so petty? I'm not just talking about with Wendel! [[Apologize to Wendel]] or [[risk the friendship]]! //Grim soon follows Wendel outside the bar only to find his back facing him//
Grim: Hey, Hank is pissed, come inside and drink some more.
Wendel: Screw you
Grim: That'd be gay and impossible.
Wendel: Shut up.
Grim: Look, if you're looking for an apology your not getting one from me, I'm not gonna support something that could possibly get you hurt or killed. This is Dracula's daugter we're talking about, it's the king of the vampire's kid, and I'm pretty sure vampires and werewolves have never been chill. So yeah, I'm calling bullshit on this whole "true love" thing.
Wendel: Figures.
Grim: Cut it out with the one word responses and just come back inside.
Wendel: Give me your scythe.
Grim: What?
Wendel: Give. Me. Your. Scthye.
[[Give Wendel the scythe]]
[[Hell No]]Grim: You're overreacting, he's FINE. His ego just took a hit, big whoop.
Hank: I'm not! You seriously messed him up man, and he's not coming back unless you go and apologize to him right now!
Grim: Then let him not come back, he needs to get his shit together anyways.
Hank: You really don't care about him do you?
Grim: Don't try and guilt trip me, Hank. Of course I care about him I just think he's being a little irrational about this whole thing, and I'm not gonna apologize for my brutal honesty, if he can't handle tough love while in love, then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.
Hank: JUST APOLOGIZE DAMN YOU!!! I don't know what you have against admiting when your wrong, but whatever it is, it's not worth risking a friendship, It's PETTY. Seriously, [[Apologize to Wendel]] and put your own ego aside, Jesus.
Grim: Alright! Jeez, everyone's so outta character today, Wendel is overly sensitive, your genuinely pissed off, hell, maybe I should join the don't be-your-normal-self-club and pretend-like I give a shit, but everyone seriously needs to chill. //Grim stares down Wendel suspicious of what he might do with such a powerful weapon//
Grim: Alright, I'm giving you the scythe, but only because I know you're gonna fail epicly when trying to use it, and seeing that shit play out will never not be funny.
//He give's Wendel the scythe.//
Wendel: You know what else is funny? You always thinking I'm an idiot! //Wendel open a portal with the scythe's curved blade//
Grim: HOLY SHIT!!! HOW THE HELL-
Wendel: Come on, I've seen you do it a thousand times! Did you really think I wasnt paying attention?!
Grim: Yes! Usually you're looking at tits, ass, or body type, Not some necromancy type of shit!
Wendel: Oh, there you go again with the lables and stereotypes! Wendel "the womanizer". People can change Grim! I changed! Ever since I met Drakelle I've been motivated to be a better person and maybe some things just don't fit me anymore.
Grim: You think because you've gotta girlfriend now that you're too good for us? Is that it?
Wendel: Well if you're gonna be an asshole anytime someone acts slightly out of character then you're damn right! Until you realize that I'm more than just the guy who hits on women, you'll never see me or this scythe again!!
//Wendel Goes through the portal with grim's scythe and closes it.//
Grim: Hey wait thats my-GODDAMNIT! DICK! Well he's [[gone]]now, Hank is not gonna be happy, and would it kill him to stop making dramatic exits? Grim: Wendel I'm not giving you my scythe. As funny as it would be to watch you try and open a portal to your girlfriends house, I can't risk you breaking the space time continum or causing some other cosmic catastrophe over a female.
Wendel: So it's like that huh...
Grim: Please don't try to fight me, though I would have no issue droping your ass right here.
Wendel: I didn't wan't to use this...//He pulls out a small red vial from his pocket// but desprate times-
Grim: The hell is that?
Wendel: a blood portal, a one way ticket to Dracula's castle other than your scythe.
Grim: Who's blood is it?
Wendel: Doesn't matter, you wanna be a hardass so it's my only option.
Grim: Don't tell me it's Drakelle's period-
Wendel: OH GOD NO!! GROSS! I told you it doesn't matter who's blood it is! Point is, I'm leaving in this portal to go see my girlfriend even it kills me!
Grim: That's simping. You're simping Wendel.
Wendel: Well ask me if I care! //He leaves through the portal and give's Grim the finger//
Grim: Clearly you don't considering you've [[gone]] off to possibly kill yourself over a chick!
//The portal reopens and Wendel take's the scythe//
Grim: REALLY?!
Hank: Gone?! What do mean he's gone?!
Grim: I mean he literally opened up a portal and dipped, stole my scythe too. //mutters// bitch-ass motherfucker...
Hank: Jesus Grim! All you had to do was apologize! You had one job!!!
Grim: How was I supposed to know he had vampire period blood in his pocket?
Hank: What?!
Grim: Nothing.
Hank: //Sighs// So how are we gonna save him?
Grim: You assuuming we need to or he want's to be saved. He's probably having the time of his life over there, unless she's into some freaky shit, then yeah, we should probably save him.
Hank: GRIM! He's in the lair of the vampire king!
Grim: OK! Quit busting my balls!
Hank: You don't have any!
Grim: Shut the fuck up! Now I could possibly open a portal without my scythe though it'll be tough considering the scythe helps channel my necrotic energy. If we're lucky the portal will take us [[a few miles outside of Drac's castle]]
Hank: It's a risk worth taking
Grim: Sure it is...
Hank: It sure is, open the portal Grim, We're gonna get our friend back.
Grim: Ok just don't make a dramatic exit out of it. //They both leave through the portal////They both come out find an icy and dead forest with no sign of wildlife or any life at all. Though the sky was a vibrant crimson, the pale moon still shone bright all through the night//
Hank: Where are we?
Grim: A subsection of Purgatory, a dimension between the mortal plane and the underworld, but Dracula's castle is definitely here.
Hank: How can you tell?
Grim: You're kidding, right? The blood red sky, dead trees, the cold, the only thing that's missing are the goddamn-//a swarm of bats fly overhead//
bats. Come on we should get moving.
[[An hour later]]Grim: Hey can I ask you a question Hank?
Hank: Yeah?
Grim: How are you so goddamn positive all the time? Especially in a godforsaken place like the underworld.
Hank: Oh wow... well if I'm being honest it's mostly you and Wendel.
Grim: No really.
Hank: Really, You're right the underworld is a very mundane and depressing place, but I believe there's light in the darkest of places. You, Wendel, the bar, you guys are my light, That's why I got pissed at you, because I didn't wanna lose the part of my light that was Wendel. Wendel keeps us laughing, but you? You keep us honest Grim, despite how much of an asshole you can be while doing it, you keep us grounded, both you and Wendel together keep me sane.
Grim: Y'know I used to have someone like that, to keep me grounded, sane and all that.
Hank: Really?
Grim: Yup, she was a really good friend of mine.
Hank:Oh....Oh.
Grim: Yup.
Hank: What happened?
Grim: Well thing's started off pretty chill, she was an exorcist, and needed my help to get to Hell to save some girl who'd been possesed. I don't know what it was, but when we were in hell together I somehow caught feelings. Maybe it was her brutal nature when it came to pummeling demon faces in, or her confidence when reaching in to grab the child from a deep pit burning with hellfire, but either way I was drawn to her unlike anyone I've come across in my abyss.
Hank: Woah.... just woah....
Grim: Apparently she was drawn to my dark and mysterious nature which was honestly just me not giving a fuck, but she loved that about me. From two strangers battling the forces of Hell, to good drinking buddies, to lovers. She showed me that mortals weren't complete scum, and taught me how to see the good in people, something I thought I'd never do. So yeah, shit got serious, until she grew distant, cold, and agressive, and one day she just left.
Hank: Damn...
Grim: Sure I was heartbroken, but more importantly I was right. There really isn't anything special about mortals, they champion this feeling called "love," but that's all it is really, a feeling, and feelings can die too. Mortals claim it's their ability to love that make them special but how special is something that doesn't even last? I wanna be wrong about Wendel but something tells me I won't be, which would be a real tragedy.
Hank: I really hope you're wrong too. Jeez, I never seen this side of you Grim, but I like it! You can be sensitive!
Grim: Yeah, well I wasn't being sensitive I was just bored.
Hank: Riiight.
Grim: Hey, don't get used to it, besides we're here. It's [[Dracula's Castle]]//The massive castle stands tall in the night, the moonlight cast a long shadow that completely ingulfs the two friends in darkness. The castle's exterior was made with a mixture of stone and iron, there were about six gargoyels that looked down at them, snickering, laughing but frozen in stone. However as fantastical as the castle was the two's gaze was mainly focused on the iron gate's//
Hank: This is usually the part where one of us kicks down the door, but I'm not big on property damage-
Grim: Pussy. //Grim kicks the door wide open revealing the mansion like interior//
Grim: DRACULAAAAAAA!!! COME OUT TO PLAAAAAY!
Hank: Maybe he's not here,
Grim: His bitch-ass better be here, he's got my scythe. Probably.
Hank: WENDEL???? HEY BUDDY, IT'S HANK! PLEASE SCREAM IF YOU'RE ALIVE!
//silence//
Grim: Welp, He's dead,
Hank: Shut up, Grim.
???: Would you guys shut the hell up? What do you want with Wendy?
//A tall female vampire with a biker jacket and tattered jeans decends from above, her large bat like wings fold into her back as she lands infront of them. her hair is a firey blue and her eyes are like large rubies.//
Hank: Um, hi!
I'm Hank, and this is-
Drakelle: The Grim Reaper.
Grim: Sup.
Drakelle: I'd thought you'd be taller.
Grim: I'd thought you'd be evil.
Drakelle: Fair, I'm Drakelle. Big fan by the way.
Grim: Flattered. Wendel made a good choice.
Drakelle: Flattered.
Hank: Yeeaah about that, we were wondering where Wendel was, we're his friends, and we just wanna know if he's ok?
Drakelle: I thought he was with you guys?
Hank: Yeeaah.....
Grim: He ran away like a bitch-//Hank kicks Grim.//
Hank: We may have pissed him off.
Grim: He used a blood portal-
Drakelle: HE DID WHAT?!
Grim: I told him not to.
Drakelle: Ugh! Wendel you idiot! Blood portals take you DIRECTLY to my dad- Dracula. He was supposed to wait because I didn't tell my dad about having a boyfriend yet. My dad is gonna kill him.
Grim: If he's not already dead.
Drakelle: Come on, he's gotta be in [[Dracula's Throne Room]]
//The Threesome come upon to massive red doors//
Drakelle: Ok it's in here.... Oh god what if he's dead in there?
Hank: You can't think like that, I can tell you care a lot about him.
Drakelle: I really do. He may be an idiot with little to no filter but he really is a good guy, he's selfless, kind, and he's really passionate for the people he cares about.
Grim: He says you make him feel like a better person he talks about you alot.
Drakelle //Blushes//
Grim: Well if all the sappy shit is over with, I'd like to go kill a vampire.
Drakelle No, if anyone's gonna kill Dracula it's gonna be me!
Hank: It could totally be a two man effort, just saying.
//Drakelle kicks down the set of doors with rage in her eyes, The massive looking lord of the vampires has Wendel by the throat. //
Drakelle: DAD!!! I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR THROAT IF YOU DON'T PUT HIM DOWN RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Wendel: Drakelle! You guys!!!
Grim: This is what happens when you steal my scythe bitch!
Hank: Told you he was still alive!
Dracula: NOT FOR LONG!! //He grips tighter on Wendel's neck//
Wendel: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Dracula! Sir! I really do love your daughter! She is the most beautiful girl I've ever met and she makes me the happiest guy in the world, but more importantly she makes me want to be better each and every day! Before I was a self loathing loser who was shallow and hit on women to make himself better, but Drakelle you showed me that I could change for the better and I tried! I'm still trying, but you make it all worth it! Grim! I'm sorry! I should've listened to you bro, you tried to help me and I didn't listen! I love you for your brutal honesty man, really! You're a great friend, all of you. Dracula, If you wanna kill me go ahead, but I don't think Drakelle or my friends will be too happy to say the least, but that's just my opinion. Also your daughter threntend to rip your throat out so... yeah there's that.
//Dracula releases his grip on Wendel//
Dracula: One year. You have one year to prove that you love my firstborn daughter, but if you hurt her in any way, Your head will be on a platter. //He vanishes//
//The four all run in for a group hug, relieved that they get their friend back.//
Drakelle: Wendel! Don't you EVER do that again! You almost died! I- We could have lost you!
Grim: Well you guys can make out on the literal red carpet or whatever but I'm getting a drink //He calls his scythe and opens a portal//
Hank: Aren't you gonna tell him you're proud of him?
//Grim looks over at Wendel who now is kissing the love of his life in the moonlight, deep down Grim is happy that his friend has what he never did what he never understood, he didn't quite understand what love was, but Wendel did, and it was enough for him.//
Grim: Eh, It can wait. //He leaves//
THE END